Part 1 – The Birth Group Cult – The gross confessions


One glorious pleasure that the pregnancy and birth of my spawns bought me – apart from an actual child of course – was a membership into a hormone fuelled cult known as an online birth group.
4 years ago upon the confirmation of a preggo eggo, I signed up to a website known as Baby centre – it’s an online forum filled with wisdom and knowledge on all things pregnancy, childbirth and newborn baby – they provide chat rooms for you to make friends with fellow eggs that were fertilised around the same time – I’m not sure if allowing hundreds of temporarily emotionally unbalanced, nauseous, sleep deprived women to converse with one another is insane or pure genius.
It starts off a little like dating – well, what I assume dating is like – as previously mentioned I have been with Mr Spider since my teenage years so a date to me is a drive thru Mcdonalds in a MK 2 fiesta with some fetching neon lights strategically placed underneath the motor vehicle to make it look, “rude” – so with that in mind I am making the assumption that it progresses like dating…

Step one – you make an account with a username – you try to capture the true essence of your personality within it or make it as basic as possible due to the impatient excitement brewing inside you to tell a group of strangers you have a positive test. Hello, Im_having_a_baby1985!

Step two – You introduce yourself as the newbie, list your pregnancy symptoms and wish all the other women well. You continue to refresh your post waiting for a response, urging that fellow egg to reach out to you.

Step three – Someone gets pissed off that no one responded to their egg and leaves. Everyone is sad – or atleast pretends to be and a suggestion of a secret Facebook group is discussed. A poll is uploaded, the votes take place, the verdict is announced – the group is moving to Facebook! In dating circles, this is a bit of a big deal isn’t it – inviting them to see your life, likes and your mug shot!

So, here we are, complete with real names and real faces – we quickly all become THE best of friends, share our wedding pictures if we are married, our children’s pictures if we already have one or two and our deepest darkest secrets – I was more a “share pictures of your dog” kind of gal but I thoroughly enjoyed the blossoming friendships, 24 hour advice and being able to share such a special time with some great ladies. Time progresses quickly and before you know it you are having your 12 week scan and asking for nub guesses, do they look like a boy or a girl, is my bump 12 weeky enough, is it normal that my gentiles have swelled to triple the size already? See, that’s the thing – whilst you share the good times you also share the really, really gross time too.
Now, before I continue maybe I should urge you to stop reading if you are a man or a female of a delicate disposition hoping to start a family soon – I’m only being honest, and I do apologise for being generally vulgar by nature but there was a birth group filled with these thoughts and fears, so clearly we need to air the dirty laundry a little. From memory, my personal favourites were…

1. Swamp crotch. Put it this way, if your pregnant vagina remotely resembled your non pregnant vagina, it is a miracle you are with child. The most common complaint from the ladies I love was, well…a swampy crotch. You can Tenna lady all you damn well like but mother nature is in charge and along with the weight of your unborn spawns melon sized head resting upon your nether regions it really is no wonder your parts become the size of the lips of a participant from the Kylie Jenner lip challenge, and you leak like a tsunami. And yes, it is pee.

2. Stretchmarks. Oh em gee. I was terrified of these – shallow, maybe – but you are told time and time again it is the one thing you cannot get rid of once you have them (piles are quite similar in that respect too – ahem…) I remember I wasn’t alone with my rather large fear and we would all comfort one another everytime a new line appeared. Occasionally we would sob and wail, too. Save yourself the expense of the special lotions and potions – £120 later on litres of Bio Oil and hours spent dangerously sliding about like a washed up obese whale which almost resorted in Mr Spider having someone come and do a health and safety risk assessment for me, my oil and our bath due to too much application, I can honestly say – I have some, and I do not care. They aren’t as bad as what you think they will be. My belly button that now resembles a cats anus, however…

3. Pubes. Right, well. You tend to wave “Tally Ho” to the locks in your pants thanks to your ever growing bump at around 25 weeks of pregnancy, give or take. After that, whatever takes place is out of sight and mostly out of mind – until the due date draws near and you realise you have grown an amazon jungle complete with its own aboriginal tribe – think mud huts and everything. You go into blind panic and out comes the shaving foam and a hand mirror – I have even heard of some recruiting their darling husbands with the garden sheers and hedge strimmer for a more professional look. In hind sight, all I can say is do not fear – once active labour hits you’ll be pining for the presence of the aboringi’s for a bit of moral support.

The thing is, pregnancy can be gross. Amazing, beautiful, exciting, but definitely gross. Had I not had a group of ladies with the exact same worries to share my inner thoughts with can you just imagine how you would feel with thinking you were the only one?

So it is with that, that I thank the gorgeous ladies from 4 years ago right up until today – this hour infact as I asked them to cast back to their swampy crotches to remind me of the horror – for being there through it all. Alot of us have gone our separate ways, but we certainly shared some special times! I’d like to do a few more blogs on our other experiences, as there really has been so much more to the journey other than vaginas…

I’ll be back…


4 thoughts on “Part 1 – The Birth Group Cult – The gross confessions

  1. Haha, I love this!! I also was/am member of a birth group on Babycentre. I however, didn’t venture over to facebook – I didn’t really put much about pregnancy over on there so I decided against it. I didn’t like people knowing who I am either, or the huge multinational company I worked for to suddenly bring in a heightened social media policy haha. I still go on there, but mostly to see who has had more babies and see if I’m the last woman standing!!

    Liked by 1 person

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